Sunday, August 02, 2009

Plans of Finality

I've never really been a good one for big changes. It freaks me out a little leading up to it. I tend to get comfortable with doing and living something a certain way and have trouble imagining myself being ok and just as comfortable with something else.

This change: moving back home.

When I first came to Korea, it wasn't a life-change. The first time was kind of like a paid educational opportunity/ holiday. When I decided to come back for work, it was a paid adventure/holiday. But that quickly but imperceptibly turned into just "life". And for the most part, it's been a good life. I've had fun, met life-long friends, and grown in "life" sort of ways. It hasn't always been good, and as those "not so good" aspects of living here have become more significant (maybe not "bigger" or "worse", but certainly occupying more of my field of vision as I drive on the highway of life), I've known for a while that this would be my last year here.

But to choose an exact date... to make those plans of finality... I struggle. I somehow envisioned my last month here and the actual return home could happen like in a cloud; I don't actually need to DO anything, things will just happen and one day I'll wake up back in Australia with everything already posted home and whatnot.

Unfortunately, flights don't book themselves, bank accounts don't close themselves, and loose ends don't tie themselves off.

So, the planning begins, and now that I've set an actual real-life date with an actual plane with a seat that will have my name on it, some part of me has woken me up (actually quite literally - it's 4am). This part of me dauntingly tells me about everything that can go wrong and endlessly lists what I will need to do to wind up this chapter of my life for good... forever.

It's like drawing near to the end of an entralling novel, but knowing you will never be able to read it again.

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