Thursday, January 25, 2007

Thoughts through Tears

I haven't posted for a while, I know. When life is simply raging on and going through the motions of teaching, living, and just breathing, it can be hard to know how to put some things into words, and if those words will even mean anything.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about relationships. About why we feel drawn to certain people, about why we love the people that we do, about where that love comes from, and why and how some of those people don't seem to recognise or value that love and even sometimes throw it back in your face, laughing at the hurt they cause you, figuratively spitting in your face and kicking you when you are down.
Loving your enemies, forgiving and turning the other cheek is all well and good. What about "Love the callous jerks, the insensitive bastards, and the selfish heartless assholes that pollute our lives and break our hearts"? What about self preservation and getting out of destructive relationships?

Why is it that sometimes we can't stop caring for the said bastards and assholes who hurt us? Why is it that when we see the hurt deep underneath the callousness we hurt for them, as well as because of the hurt they have caused us.

When it is obvious that someone, a friend, we care about and have invested a lot of time and emotion in really doesn't care a jot about us, it's really hard to let it all go; in some ways it's a denial that we were wrong about that person; wrong about the friendship - it can be hard to admit; hard to accept.

I've never been one to easily give up on a friendship. But does that make me a naive pushover; a hopeless believer that some good exists inside everyone; an idiot who sees the hurter hurting and can't let the person go? Is this just me? Maybe I have a saviour complex. Maybe I'm a co-dependant.

When someone you considered a close friend deliberately and repeatedly hurts you, they are obviously not a friend. Personally, I don't see how people can be so selfish and cruel. The word evil comes to mind.

It makes me sad when friendships change, especially when they die a gruesome death.


Anonymous said...

shit happens. If someone repeatedly disrespects you, good riddance to them. There are what, 4 billion people in the world? No need to hang on to those who don't deserve your friendship, there are plenty of other good people out there.

Aubrey said...

Yes. I don't know exactly what I'm saying yes to; I don't think you posed a direct question. Perhaps I'm simply agreeing with the spirit of your post.

What is that draw in relationships that we can see from the start will bring about our demise? But that propensity is present in all of us.

I love you, Ang, and I'm so glad to be part of your life. You are a dear friend. Now I'm going to send you an "I'm worried about your present mental state" email. No, kidding. You've got that handle on life; I agree with the comment. Shit happens. And you're dealing with it.

Love you,

Green Lantern said...

I really admire your spirit in trying to make the friendship somehow work, even though the other person treats you like a sack of crap. Fuck, I hate that when that happens. It makes me so angry when it happens to me, but it also makes me more determined to try and make it work. It's not naivety at all. You are a stronger, better person than they could ever dream to be. But there is always that point when you have to say "Fuck it" and just let it go, because these sorts of friendships can kill you in so many ways: physically, emotionally and even spiritually. But keep fighting the good fight. Proud of ya, slugger.

Sorry about the swearing. Just felt it needed to be used. Bad day at work. >:( ... :) ... ;P Better now.